Mona Lisa

At my brand new office, we have these coffee bars right by our desks, which is nice, there is water there too. BUT, the “architects” had to put touch latches on the cabinet doors so that they look "clean" and are not impeded by such hideous things as HANDLES. So now all I hear ALL DAY LONG is the clickety-click-clickety-click of those stupid touch latches!!! I HATE THEM! I hate them anyway just as a means of closing a door. Can you please just give me a handle to hold on to?!? But that clicking sounds is driving me crazy!!! Plus you lean up against the counter to wash out a cup and you accidentally open the cabinet. There’s a clickety-click. Then you have to shut it. Another clickety-click. Then it doesn’t really shut, so you have to try again, clickety-click, and sometimes even twice, clickety-click-clickety-click!!!!

Lesson #1: NEVER DO TOUCH LATCHES!!!

Inside the changing room, while mom is trying on bras, son says, "heeeey mom! I could use these for football pads!" Mom tries to silently get him to shush. Son says, "No really mom, want me to show you? I really could use this for football pads. I really could. I'll show you. It would be perfect. See look, this would go on my shoulder. Really it would work. It would be awesome."

Due to some bad behavior at a store, Miles could choose his punishment; either loose 20 toys or owe me 20 jobs around the house. He chose the 20 jobs. Here is what I had and then Jege http://leingirlz3.blogspot.com/ and Crabmommy http://crabmommy.blogspot.com/ added to them, since I hadn't filled it out all the way yet. See if you can tell where I left off and they took over.
1. clean your room
2. put backpack away
3. put toys away in the living room
3. help with groceries
4. empty silverware from dishwasher
5. wash table
6. clean your room (again)
7. put toys away (again)
8. perfect cold fusion
9. resolve conflict in Dar fur
10. remove own appendix
11. learn to speak Mandarin
12. fold socks
13. write novel
14. learn to make a perfect Margarita
15. compose symphony
16. cure cancer
17. learn how to breakdance
18.
19.
20.
(I guess they didn't have time in between drinking and eating to finish the list.)

There would only be MAYBE 3 sizes of anything: small, medium, and large. If you can't do it with one of those 3 sizes, your design is fucked up. And said size would be clearly marked on each piece of hardware in something like red fingernail polish or at least something visible and indelible. It would not be scrathced into the surface of, say, a small drill bit. And speaking of drill bits, who would really need a hole to be 5/32 of an inch rather than 9/64? And who ever thought it was a good idea to go to the degree of sixty-fucking-fourths of an inch? Was your design really that critically scaled? If so, it was over-thought. The more I think about it, 2 sizes would be fine. Small and Large. Whoever came up with the most common screw driver sizes was definitely a woman. I personally think hardware is a conspiricy by men to feel smart in front of women. "Oh, 9/64" is way too big. You need the next size smaller, which is 5/32". [Thinking to himself - damn she must think I am so smart! I did that without a calculator or even an air chalk board.]

And, there is no need to measure something like this: "Ah, that is 4 feet, 6 and 5/16" long." I believe that most people at least secretly think: "4 feet, 6 and a quarter inches plus one line." But, my point being - just keep it to the quarter inch at a minimum. Whole inches would be preferred. No more fractions!

(or something like that)
Yea, I'll fucking kill them. Now I see a simple small ant climbing the wall in my bathroom. It is fucking dead right now. No regrets. No second thoughts about all creatures having the right to live. FUCK THEM ALL. That is the feeling you get after a bout with head lice in you own house. The kid brings them home from school and you freak out. Wash everything in the house and turn into that emotional scary chick that you never knew existed within you. Then you find one on YOUR OWN HEAD and really freak out. And I mean seriously FREAK OUT. You look at people on tv wearing santa hats - WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?! That guy at your office scratching his head - OH MY GOD HE HAS IT TOO! Other parents ALLOWING their kids to wear stocking hats even though it is only 40 degrees outside - WHAT KIND OF SLACKER PARENTS ARE THEY?!? Little white or brown specks on anything - AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Let me go on record now saying that I will fucking KILL any creature that I do not deem worthy to be in my house without any regrets. I will even put you in a zip lock bag and watch you die. That is what head lice will do to an otherwise reasonable person.

I was riding the bus home one day not too long ago. Lady Bus Driver was one of those straight and narrow types. One couple got on arguing and she almost stopped and followed them to the back of the bus trying to get them to stop. She got on her little microphone telling people to move back to make room up front. Then she got ont he microphone telling the person with the loud headphones to turn them down. Several other riders started whispering things such as: Geez, how can she hear that? Was it really that loud? I can't believe she could hear that all the way up there. Dang, she must have bionic ears. Lady Bus Driver gets back on the mic saying, "I DO NOT HAVE BIONIC EARS. Sound travels really well from the back to the front of the bus."

Who needs the Federal Reserve or Alan Greenspan? (I know he isn't doing his old job, but i don't know the new guy's name.) Anyway, I have found the true measure of the inflationary rate in the US: 67 Cents Guy (see below) is now asking for 82 cents. Start hording!

Is it just me? Or do you all start to recognize your local homeless and other just plain odd folks around your home and work? Here a few of the people I have come to know through my commute to work and around my office downtown.
1. 67 Cents Guy - He is on the corner by my office and always asks if you can spare 67 cents
2. Big Guy in Baggy Gym Shorts, plaid shirt, and flip flops. Sadly, he probably just lacks regular meds to improve his state.
3. Touristy-Looking Couple Who Are Probably Not Tourists. Lady wears big floppy hat and sunglasses. Man wears baseball hat, sunglasses, and loud shirts. both are heavily laden with bags, suitcases, books, newspaper, handbags. They ride the bus downtown in the morning and I have seen them occasionally on the way home. UPDATE: these guys are can collectors and probably on the verge of being homeless.
4. Anthropologist Guy. As is often the case in Portland, he is probably just a product of our poor mental health system. At least he looks somewhat taken care of, though not very well. Always wears a hard pith helmet and stares inquisitively at different things on the bus. UPDATE: He lost his pith helmet! I only recognized him by the inquisitive look in his eyes!
5. Lt. Dan, only with no forearms (you know from Forrest Gump)
6. Crocheting Lady. Always crocheting an ugly fuzzy hat on the bus.
[sigh] I'm going to go count my blessings now.

said the 4 year old girl who has to ride the bus every day and has people try to talk to her almost every day. I feel her pain.

There actually ARE things I like about Portland, but sometimes the things that I don't like outshine….Take today for instance. I got right on the bus that isn't too bad of a walk from Miles' school. That was a good thing. Then this drunk, toothless, possibly homeless man with a possibly stolen, really-nice, bike got on, talking up a storm about how he is a lover not a fighter, looking his whole bus ride for his transfer, he just knew he had one. Then he started talking about all the pretty women, me for instance and my pretty curly hair. [sigh]

Dawn's comments: Oh man, that is the quintessential Portland experience. And precisely why I was happy to no longer ride the #15 where I prayed every ride that S wouldn't loudly ask questions like "Mom, why does that man have so many earrings on his face"...

Karla's comments: Emily asked me that in the airport, but she said, look at all those earrings. As I muffled her mouth. Kids! Kind of like that guy at the max stop going on and on about my eyes. Ok shut up already!

I think I have reached a lifetime maximum on McDonalds. Had a meal there Wednesday night. (quarter pounder w/cheese and a few fries) Had a stomach ache for 36 hours. Thought I was getting the stomach flu. Now I feel better. I will not be eating there again!

Funny Nick story as told by his mom: we were at Best Buy and Nick asked me, mom are we done here? I said yes. He said good because if we were here any longer I would probably get into trouble.

This is how I spent my morning. The ceiling must be 15 feet high, and I bet there was 50 years of cobwebs hanging from that damn ceiling. It was disgusting. It was from any horror movie you have ever seen. At one point ShopVac fell down the stairs and landed on the hard concrete floor. The hose fell out and dirt and gunk was spewing out his hole. I could only think he was saying, "ShopVac fell. ShopVac hurt. ShopVac bleeding." Poor ShopVac.

The scene: Mom, Dad, Boy, and girl are riding in the car. Dad driving. Mom in passenger seat. Boy behind dad. Girl behind mom.

Girl starts to hold a toy outside the open car window. Mom can see what is happening in the side mirror, and says without turning around, "Girl, pull that back inside the car!"

Boy's eyes get round as he exclaims, "Wo, mom, you really do have eyes in the back of your head!"

My friend Barb and I went out for a few drinks one night recently. The guy at the door asked to see ID's. I smiled happily at my friend as I pulled out my ID. She was less enthusiastic than I, muttering something like "this isn't going to be good." The guy takes a look at my ID and exclaims, and I quote, "Oh shit! Damn."

I tried to get into their blog this morning and all I got was:
"400 Bad Request"

OK, they're still there. Thank god! Jege was probably uploading the Killer Blizzard footage. One of the best posts/comments of all time! Worthy of a link, even.

We love you Lein Grlz!

you are sledding with your children, having a great time because the hills are really slick and fast, and you say these words: No, child, I don't want to go down head first because we don't have dental anymore.

 

Karla wonders where Kate gets her attitude.

another sucessful Friday night 

Have you ever noticed that you think everyone who lives south of you is stupid? It's true.
Minnesotans think Iowans are stupid.
Iowans think that Missourians are stupid.
Canadians think that Americans are stupid.
Americans think that Mexicans are stupid.

Not me though. I think almost everyone is stupid regardless of where they live.

Well, I'm back. Ready to finish up my observations of that lovely country.
where was I...
10. They hate Americans.
11. Traffic in Calgary absolutely SUCKS!
12. They will take US dollars at any store. At first I thought this was a good thing, then realized that I was giving everyone a 10% tip with every bill that left my hand.
13. They have only one native beer. I thought it was called Molson's, but when you order, it's just a "Canadian beer. "
14. There are lots of good looking men in Calgary, probably women too I guess.
15. The natives are not afraid of the cold. They wear short sleeves when it is getting up to, say, 10 degrees Celsius.
16. The metric system sucks. Or the US sucks b/c we don't use the metric system. Anyway, I really had no idea how cold it really was (-10 degrees Celsius), nor how much gas really cost (84.4 cents/liter) , nor how fast I was really driving (maximum speed limit 110 kph).

Apparantly, you do not want to be in Canada. My stupid Visa Checkcard will not work ANYWHERE! Not even in cash machines! Damn Canadians!

Well, it's been 4 days in the tundra. Here are my observations so far:
1. It's really fricking cold here! Why do people choose to live here? There are warmer cities people!
2. It's really not that cute of a city. Kind of grungy and industrial, and not in a good way.
3. They try really hard to be international with signage, meaning no words. It doesn't work that well. There is one that I can only translate into "watch out for guy bowling across the street."
4. They don't have one dollar bills. Only coins. Oh yea, and they call them Loonies. And they have two dollar coins which they lovingly call Toonies. (not sure of the spelling, but you get the idea.) They also use the term "bucks".
5. They copy American things all the time, but try to change it slightly to make it their own. For example, stoplights. Same exact thing except rotated 90 degrees.
6. Their street names try really hard to be rugged and outdoorsy. Deerfoot Trail, Blackfoot Trail, Bow Trail, Crowchild Trail, Spruce Meadows Trail. The only streets or avenues are numbered ones.
7. A lot of the guys wear their shirts unbuttoned one button too many, often paired with big studded belt buckles.
8. Everywhere is hiring. McDonalds pays $14/hour.
9. They have never heard of US Bank here. (yep, I can't get any money!) And you can't use your debit/visa card anywhere. I think mastercard might be ok, but not visa.

Des Moines Public Schools are having "Fall Parties" this week in classrooms around the city. Can anyone guess what occasion this might be centered upon? Hmmm, let me think. Hallweeen, perhaps? No costumes allowed though! Are we afraid of offending all the non-devil-worshippers by celebrating a demonic holiday? When in the last, oh I don't know, 50 years at least, has this holiday been about anything other than candy and playing dress up? Why are we trying to be politically correct about that? Has the whole world gone mad? Or just stupid?

Do you ever feel like one day all the dead souls of all the spiders, centipedes, and other bugs you have killed over the years will one day come together as a collective whole, and get back at you one way or another? You don’t know when. You have no idea how this is even metaphysically possible, but you know deep down that it really could happen.

My new least favorite word in the English language.
I can barely stop myself from scoffing and rolling my eyes when someone uses that word in everyday speech.

Assignment: Catch a spider. Put in jar. Take to school to watch them build a web.

Reality: a 5 year old can’t catch a spider. Well, he can, but he can’t do it and keep it alive. Therefore, mom has to catch them. Between the 2 of us, we caught 5 spiders and kept 2 of them alive.

Hyper Reality: we did not have to leave the house to do this assignment.

Which leads to the next blog post...

(roughly direct quote, as I was tucking her into bed)
Mom, you shut my door?
Sure….why do you like your door shut?
Because then no monsters can come in.
Duh. I can’t believe I even had to ask.

After reading that Natural Cures book discussed below, I have been trying to do a few of the things that seem to make sense, such as:
-eliminating MSG, high fructose corn syrup, aspartame, and hydrogenated oil from my food.
-eating more organic food
-jumping on a mini-trampoline
-taking a whole food supplement

Still looking for the magnetic pinkie rings, air purifier, and shower filter.

Now let's discuss some realities...The author of the book tries to say that all these things he recommends are inexpensive or free or at least do not cost much more than their mass produced alternatives. While I do agree that you need to do these things, I have to disagree with this one point. They are not inexpensive, and/or they do cost a lot more than their nasty chemical laden mass produced version.

Examples: organic milk $5.89. regular milk $2.50
2 organic green peppers $7.75 (yes, I did a double take on this one) , 2 regular ones $1.58
(I bought the organic milk, but not the peppers.)
I would say that my grocery bill this time was roughly 75% organic from HyVee and it was around $160. I bet if I would have bought all non-organic stuff, the bill would have been more like $125.

I did try organic grass/range fed ground beef (you know how every recipe in Iowa calls for 1 pound of ground beef, browned and drained) and it tasted really good. I think I will have to try to add organic meat to my list. Can't remember the price though, dang.

I want to do this stuff. I really do believe probably at least 85% of what he says, but damn, that to me is a lot of money! And let's not even go there on the air purifier for $350

So, what - am I doomed because I'm poor?

And Jen, I'll say it again - you really need to read his books. Even if you aren't going to do the colon cleanse or whatever, there are other things you can start trying that may help get you off some of the medications you are taking. Will you at least just read it for me?

This pretty much sums it up. I believe this pic was taken at around 11am.

Queried my 5 year old on the way home from day care recently. Puzzled, I said, “What are you talking about?” He repeated the question. This banter went on a few more times. Then a dawning slowly crept across my brain. It did sound a little familiar. I repeated the litany in my head over and over the rest of the way home. Finally, as I pulled up to the garage, it came to me like a flash. Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Duh.